My VW Beetle Complaint

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is in regards to your cute, adorable, sweet, and innocent-looking Beetle…or “Bug” as it is known as.

I am writing this letter to request an immediate end to the production of said cars as they are hazardous to the health of anyone near them. My therapist recommended that I begin by filing this complaint before any further legal action is taken.

Dear W.H.M.C., I’m sure you don’t understand my predicament, but I assure you, you do not want to be in my shoes. You see, I have an undiagnosed condition that could best be described as uncontrollable violent streaks brought on by the sight of one particular vehicle. The VW Beetle. Color, year, convertible or not. Same result.

I am sure I am not alone in this condition. Let me describe it to you. Whenever I see a VW “Bug”, driving by, passing me, sitting in a parking lot, or trying to hide behind an unsuspecting object, I MUST reach out and touch someone. Very hard. Very, very hard. This uncontrollable action is most often associated with five words, vocalized at the top of my lungs, thereby damaging any ear drums within the immediate area. The words, you may be familiar with them, are, “Punch bug, no punch back!”

What some see as a childish prank, to me, is a stark, brutal reality. Many friendships have been marred by bruising on the upper arms of the unsuspecting victim. Sometimes I miss the arm and must “Punch bug” elsewhere.

I realize that the V.W. Beetle is a popular little car, but in the interest of the safety of Americans everywhere, I must repeat my appeal for the halt of the production of these violence-inducing cars.

This Tourette’s-like syndrome has no known cure, and instead of lessening with age, it seems to have increased four-fold. Among the victims of this curse are: My husband, my mother, my best friends, my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, and occasionally random strangers. That is where the problems began. “Punch bugging” family is one thing, but when it is a total stranger…well, they like to label that as Assault and Battery.

With the money I could be saving from the court costs, lawyer fees, doctor’s fees, etc, I could have bought ten of your “cute” little cars. But that would only make more trouble.
Please, I beg of you, please stop making these nightmarish little cars!

Sincerely,
Bethany J. S.

PS. My fist and countless arms thank you in advance.